Line Dancing with Life

When I was 12, my older sister tried to teach me some basic dance steps. Two-stepping with your adult sister or her husband is not really a girl's idea of fun - at least, it wasn't for me. I'm not a dancer.

I did learn the basics, however, and I can say I still remember the Texas Ten-step after all these years, even though I mixed it up for a minute there, this weekend.

The Ten-step is a partner's line dance, wherein the gentleman and lady perform the (slightly) complicated steps together, and then the gentleman twirls the lady around him, and a fun time is had. It requires an uptempo to dance to, and by golly, they played the Boot Scootin' Boogie just for me on Friday night.

I've never been the type to ask a man to dance, and Friday night was no exception.

I got up because I felt like it. I went out on the floor and started shuffling my feet in the Ten-step pattern.

It was a moment of revelation for me.

Life is what we make it, they say. That means that for all of us (I'm including myself hardcore in this) who gripe and complain about how much life sucks, we have no one but ourselves to blame for the state of things.

We tend to miss that important detail when the lights dim and it is time to dance.

I didn't dance for even a full minute, the pleasure was simply too much for me

Yes, pleasure. Yes, it was too much fun.

I have learned about myself that I am not naturally boring and depressing, but rather I have worked hard to be that way all my life. By now, 33 years in, the habit of self-punishment and the self-pity that follows has become pretty deeply ingrained.

I punish myself for being alive, for being blind, for the mistakes of my youth. Friday night I had a good time, I really enjoyed myself, and I thought "I want to come back next Friday too!" - even as I kept up my habit of repressing my joy and hiding my interest.

When my friends asked me if I wanted to join them next Friday, I said "no, I don't think I can...I can't afford it..." When in truth, I didn't have to spend a single penny.

Now, Saturday, I am a wreck. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm flying off the handle and feeling so guilty I could self-harm. All because I had a good time at karaoke, when I'm supposed to be miserable.

It is as if I subconsciously consider it my responsibility to be grumpy, miserable, unhappy. As if I am under orders to dislike people and conversation.

The most complicated part of that little dance is that I don't know when I gave myself these orders, and what the circumstances were. I have no way of knowing when I will have fulfilled my atonement conditions.

We invent these scenarios for ourselves in our child-like minds. If-then statements in that mathematical part of our brain that we think is the smartest part. We let our math-mind take charge, not even realizing that mathematics is a construct, a tool invented by man, and the emotional mind came first. It is the emotional mind that finds joy despite sorrow.

I wanted to dance. I can confess to myself that much, now, 24 hours out from the event. I wanted to sing happy songs, not sad.

Dancing is fun, a pastime that we perform in celebration, in creation, in love and joy.

Still I understand now, it takes discipline to learn to dance. Genius only carries the body so far. A few extra steps each day, and writing new mental contracts, new If-then statements, are required by those of us who were born to be miserable.

Just think - what if we were made this way so that we could overturn the standard, and become the person we secretly admire, dancing and laughing across the floor.

With someone that they love.

I'd like to enjoy dancing with me ...

Bring on the Change

I am thinking of how I have changed and am still changing. When I started DBT two years ago, it was not really a big group. Most of the time, it was me alone with the therapist. I completed the 12 weeks with [that therapist], and she gave me a certificate. I think that I was lucky; one-on-one is not so scary as talking in a group. It kept me coming back.

When there were others there, I saw myself in each of them. The boy who wore all black with long sleeves? That was me as a teenager. The girl who cried because she wanted her father's attention? I did that well into my twenties.




 They went to two meetings and never came back, and I saw myself in that, too.




Still I could see how it helped me, to *not give up.* Even though it seemed so stupid, and I had better things to do on my Thursday afternoon. Even though getting down to the hospital and home again on time was really stressful, and a challenge, I made it through the whole course.










That's when I felt proud of myself for just trying. That was when I realized that I could control my reaction to circumstances, even if things were bad, and the difference in that made a huge impact on every single day.




That was when things started to become different.




I found myself facing challenges more calmly. I stopped dwelling on my past mistakes. I looked forward to a new opportunity in tomorrow.




The materials presented by these facilities are the same - the parent company handles both facilities, after all - and they are intended to be effective for people of average to low intelligence and ability. People who didn't finish high school, who don't have jobs or don't stay at the low-quality jobs they get. DBT is for people whose personalities are volatile, who let their emotions run away with them.




People like me.




I was first and foremost affected by Dialectic Behavior Therapy when I looked at the group members AND the therapist and realized that I was no different than any of these people.




I have a high IQ. I am a high-functioning disabled person. I'm different - but I am the same. I think sitting in a group talking about how much life sucks is lame. I feel unwanted and unlovable sometimes. I hate having people look down on me, condescending to me, and I truly despise the thought of being laughed at. Still, I did it anyway. That made the first difference, and then my decision to keep attending made more differences.


Change is never, will never be easy; not if it is complete. It won't always be fun, although it can be sometimes. If it is worth it, you will know years later, when it has already begun.




When life has become something that is unbearable more often than it is enjoyable...



When you can't seem to feel comfortable in your own skin...



When you just don't understand why other people succeed where you fail...



It's time to try something you haven't tried before.




Bring on the change.

Changing your Stars - how to get back (and stay) on the Positivity Wagon

I had grand plans for today's blog post. My third installment in my Change your Stars series, it was meant to be a supportive and encouraging ego boost. I wanted to let you know that changing your whole life will not be free of discouragement and disappointment, but that we could see it through.


Then the day started happening.


This afternoon i sit here exhausted, defeated, and insecure. I'm looking at brochures for assistive technology and thinking of how very expensive it is, and what a struggle it would be to conduct business even with that fancy equipment.


Please, friends, don't let me be a hypocrite. As sure as I am sitting here getting ready to tell you to stay positive, I begin to start slipping. I guess it is the perfect time to practice what I preach.


Our friends and loved ones are biased in our favor - they are the ones who tell us they're proud of us, that we are doing great, and that things are going to be ok.
In our heads we are saying "yeah, right." And rolling our eyes at the sweet little lies.


Yesterday we talked about the power of positive words, and I intend to carry that forward into everything else I write. Positive words are powerful - positive *thoughts*, however, are the power that the words wield.


It's time to examine your thoughts. If you don't have any, you're not looking hard enough. Thoughts are there, though they are not always words. Images, sounds, smells, tastes, ideas and concepts - all these influence us to our very core.


So what are you thinking? I am thinking of all the hard work I don't want to do. The wheedling and pride-denying that goes along with building a business are particularly off-putting for me. I'm thinking in so many impulses about how much easier and softer it would be for me to just stay right where I am.


That is the oubliette. It is the prison to end all prisons, the hell heretofore unimagined --- complacency.


Complacency and negative thoughts will never give you your dreams on a silver platter. Neither will gambling away your life and your standards.


Instead, take it one aching step at a time into an energetic and bright world filled with strength borne of hope, joy, and positive thoughts.


I *want* to be a business owner and a leader.
I *can* be that and more.
It *will* be difficult, but I am up to the task.
I can have a life I enjoy, am proud of, and will pass on to my children.


Now it is your turn. Take a sheet of paper and, in your own handwriting,make your list of positive thoughts. Include the words "can",  "will", and "do". Their negatives can be eliminated for the time being. We can be aware of them without letting them interfere with our progress.


You CAN change your stars, placing each constellation of your life in an order that makes you truly happy.


I feel so much better now.  Thanks, everyone!


*You can share photos of your handwritten lists below or email them to me at fraziercheralynn@gmail.com*

Changing the Stars - in the beginning

Life is difficult for everyone in some way or another - I always say this any time it fits. It tends to fit in most cases.
When we don't like our circumstances, we have a bad habit of generalizing them. A bitter frustration about financial circumstances turns into "I hate money!", dissapointment over body image becomes "I'm so ugly!", and before we have thought too closely, it has all become an inexplicable mess of spiteful behavior and daily pain.
Change your mind, and you will change your life - it is logical and powerful. It is also easier said than done, especially when we are unaware of our own feelings and motivations.
It can be done, as the first step in changing our stars, by following some basic daily disciplines.
Mindfulness - starting out the day with focused meditation can only help you to remain present and cognitive through the entire day. On the days that I wake up and spend at least ten minutes simply focusing on myself and mu surroundings, I manage to do more, as well as do it more efficiently.
Make clear short and long-term goals. Even if your goal is "survive the day" on some days, eventually you will move beyond that. Set a goal, even if it seems silly. Make task lists, even if they annoy you. Cross off the tasks completed, make your progress visual. Look at it every day and soon you will find that you want to make more goals and achieve higher levels. This is a beautiful thing.
Seek and accept support. We all KNOW that the company we keep is important to our success. Some of the people I have known in my life would accuse me of being "fake" because of this. I assure you that there is nothing further from the truth in this. I don't want anyone to deny their roots, I want you to accept them and transcend them. It may mean losing some connections, but in the long run, those connections that are lost were never true to begin with. The people who want to help you succeed are doing all that they can to help you already - meet them in the middle by asking them to be there for you. If they refuse, then find someone else. No man needs to be an island.
Plan for tomorrow. Every night before bed, remind yourself of what your goals are and set out the things you will need to help reach them for the day. Taking weight loss as an example - you know you're going to want a snack. Prepare something healthy that will help you lose weight, not gain more. Set up an appointment with yourself to work out. Make sure your walking shoes are just where they need to be.
These are places to start off at,and I will never be the one to tell you it is easy.
At the moment I am keeping a daily journal of events. It took me the whole weekend to remember to write in it at all. Some things I forget to write about, even though I need to note each and every thing I do in order for the journal plan to be effective.
My journal plan is simple and yet profound. For a few weeks, I will make an honest and simple account of my every activity. All the food I eat is included, as I want to lose weight.
After two weeks have passed, I will read the journal and decide how I can begin to change my daily habits in order to reach my goals. Seems pretty basic, doesn't it? Not everyone will need something like this. Some people can decide to make a new habit, set to work on it, and with some struggle, finally succeed. I'm not that kind of person, and it took a great deal of self-examination to understand that.
Humans are a complex animal.
I am now willing and able to look at my own behavior and say "This is not good enough." That hurts, but at least I follow the statement with"I'm ready to change it." I'm taking action to improve my thoughts, those electrical impulses that become feelings, words, actions, and solutions.
This is how I control my mind, and begin to change the constellations in my mind's sky

Getting ready to Change my Stars

It seems that, much like driving or texting, one should not blog drunk. It never comes out well.
The same goes for emotional blogging. Just like a sloppy, sappy drunk text to your ex, an overly emotional blog post can wreak havoc on your future, at least as a blogger.
However tonight, I just have to get this off my chest. I have so much to say.
It's Sunday night and I should be sleeping instead of writing. It has been a big day - my daughters, aged 10 and 11, made the choice to follow Christ, and were baptized today. It was beautiful, and I am incredibly proud.
The pastor got my mind working, though, during the service that followed.  No doubt he will kick himself when he reads this, because my mind does not work in the way that humans speak, especially humans in authority. I promise I listened to the homily! I simply made it into what my mind needed...

He mentioned the nature of humans to want to change, and in taking action toward change, expect overnight results in a big way. We disappoint ourselves often in this regard, because change is not so easily controlled or recorded.
Often, when we think we have changed so much, we really haven't changed at all. Putting on a new dress does not make me an established business manager. Getting baptized does not make me any more Christ-like than I was yesterday when I ate cheetos and watched The Big Bang Theory with my kids instead of cleaning my house  or doing good works.
So is it hopeless to think I could change, become a contributing member of society, provides for my family and be self-confident?
Change, even small change, is a daunting task, when viewed head-on. Still, it had to be acknowledged that one cannot earn the rewards without doing the work. A person who is merely trying to get by, who doesn't want to leave a place of security, who is afraid to rock the boat, is not the one doing the work
I'm not reaping anything but what I sow.
Can a man change his stars? I saw an ad on facebook tonight, posted in a local classifieds group, for a tract of land, some 30 acres.
It is magnificent and beautiful and I want it.
At this point in my life, though, I can't say "I'll take it!". I can't go to the bank and secure a mortgage of any kind, much less one for nearly $300,000.
Will there ever be a point when I can walk into that place that makes my heart feel like home and say, "Yes. This is mine."?
I have to believe that there will be, and that I can change my stars.
I know other people have clawed their way up from the dregs of humanity to stand on their own two feet, in a place if strength and joy. I know those people are made of some pretty stern stuff.
I think that this week I will examine what stuff those people are made of, what they did and what they now do to have that dream we all wish for.
I will immerse myself in these findings, I will incorporate what I learn, and I will become exactly who I want to be.
I will share them with you. We can make this journey together - I know I don't want to be alone.
And in the meantime, I will post pictures on my wall of the land in Indiana that makes my heart ache to go and rest there

Human Insight - careers and direction

Some days we have to be just plain 'ol human. I am no exception no matter what my circumstances are, and today I am definitely not Wonder Woman.

I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. At the age of 33, you would think I had waited a bit too long to start thinking about it. I have been talking to a few people, though, and I know I'm not alone.

How many of us decided to be astronauts when we grew up, only to change that plan when 6th grade math reared its ugly head? I  went through lists and phases of "What do I wanna be" like water. Like water, direction is something that we truly need in life to continue on - it seems to be the difference between the 1% and the 99%.

In ten people I have spoken to recently, 6 of them share my seeming aimlessness. They didn't want the jobs they had, but had no clue as to what else they should do, and so they decided to keep muddling on in their 9 to 5. Three more of those ten people were satisfied with their careers and had no desire to change. The temptation of a little more money was not enough to get them to come out of their box. The last person insisted that his business was better than mine, because mine was "weird." He is working toward his own dream, and I wish him all the power in the world - because luck has nothing to do with it.

I realize that I didn't conduct an official poll, and that ten people can't represent the larger population, but I saw a pattern and I found it interesting.

Often, we let our circumstances dictate to use just how we should live out or dreams, or abandon them. Not enough money to go to Stanford? Better give up on that law degree. Blind? A career in the visual arts is not for you, photography included.  Maybe I just don't have what it takes.  The one I hear all the time is, "Hey Cheri! You're a good writer! Why don't you start a blog?" I'm living the dream at the public library for two hours a day.

Stepping outside the box is uncomfortable it makes us face some hard truths about ourselves. Learning braille has shown me that I am already blind, I have been in denial of it for a long time. It brought me closure of a sort, but it took years to go through the grief process. I didn't want to do it, I didn't want to need it, I told myself that the books I wanted to read would all be available in audio format, and I could live this way forever.

I don't want to.

Maybe we can decide what we want to be by making a list of what we don't want to be.
    I don't want to be:

• Dependent on government welfare handouts
• Living in government housing for the rest of my life
• A parent of people who do the same.

A pretty respectable list, if I do say so myself. And so I started thinking of what I could do to get myself as far away from that list as possible.

That list was pretty intimidating, and it involves becoming an entirely new person. It certainly seems impossible, if you look at it from a victim's point of view.

But the number one thing I do not want to ever be is a victim.

So It is time to make a direction, if I can't find one lying in front of me, all pretty and wrapped up with a bow.

But Cheri, you say, you're just not a trailblazer. You're not a take-charge kind of person, how do you suppose you're going to become one?

In baby steps. That is exactly how. I might find that others are doing it faster. It may seem easier, the way they do it, and there might even be some who accuse me of standing in their way. I choose to believe that I am not standing in anyone's way, and I don't have to in order to succeed. I am not a fish in a pond, trying to get bigger by preying on other little fish. I am a human being, changing, learning, growing. I can live my life as honestly as I please, and become someone I am proud of.

In working toward my dream, I will come across many troubles. Big fish and little fish might try to prey on me, but I won't stoop to that level. I choose to build my future based on honesty, faith, integrity, and strength.

When I grow up, I want to be a good person, someone strong and dependable, motivating and inspiring, and honest and noble. No one will stop me, not even myself.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Quantum Vision Systen review

Hello all! It has been too long since my last post.


Since my last post, life for us has been pretty intense, but I had the blessing of teaming up with one of the most compassionate and earnest people I have had the privilege to meet. I am indeed blessed!
It being a new relationship, she did not know the details concerning my vision problem, and had not read my blog. She didn't know how I felt about "The Quantum Vision System". She saw the ad, and her compassionate heart moved her to buy this product for me, a veritable stranger.
I don't believe in coincidence.
The moral dilemma! I was sure this was a scam, that it would never work for my condition and she had wasted her money . Worst of all, she had wasted it on me, who had no way to pay her back.


Still, how could I disrespect her gift? I promised to use the program and let her know what the results were. In my little black heart I hoped there would be a way that she could get her money back.


Here is my review after 7 days of using "The Quantum Vision System".


. Nothing I have read in the book is new to me. Over the past 8 years I have found a great deal of materials I public libraries and at ophthalmologist's offices to help me understand the workings of the human eye.
. It presents specific sets of eye exercises to strengthen the muscles around the eye. Our vision is very much a 'use it or lose it' sense, and that is the underlying premise presented in the system.
. Some of the exercises I had not heard of or used, bit many were familiar to me due to my own research. I have used them, but not to such a rigorous extent as used in this system.
. Over the course of seven days I used the exercises for correcting nearsightedness. I developed intense headaches and muscle tension in my neck and upper back, which were easily controlled with drinking plenty of water and adjusting my yoga practice appropriately.
as of the seventh day, I recognized some improvement in my ability to focus my eyes together, and to avoid amblyopia, or lazy eye.
. Lazy eye is a big cause of self-consciousness in me, and I avoid social interaction often for that reason alone. I feel that improving just that can help to improve a blind person's self-esteem as it relates to social interactions. It often occurs as a person slowly loses visual acuity, as they lose the ability to focus on objects, the eyes tend to 'float".


I can see no other improvement, and would not really recommend using the program with the intensity that it calls for for any long period of time. It hurts! But I will continue at a slower pace for six months and see if I can determine any improvement without the need of a professional examination.
Regular massages would be a smart addition to the regimen.
I do not see how this program can cause any change in my own condition - the lost cone cells cannot be replaced. It will increase and possibly improve blood flow to the eye, which in its own right would improve eye health, but restoring the blind to sightedness seems to be a far stretch.




Overall I rate this system as having 3 out of 5 stars, for the presentation of new exercises (new only to me, I cannot speak for the world) and for presenting them in specific groups with attention to specific conditions.